If there is a word to describe how I’ve been feeling lately, emptiness would be it.  I’ve been through a lot, more than one would know, and after the most recent years of my life, I’m feeling empty, and a blank. 

There was certainly a lot going on in my life growing up, and with relief, I am glad I am no longer a baby, child or teen, but at the same time, I do miss the part of being a kid where I didn’t have to worry about adulthood things, (Don’t we all?).

I had so much potential, so many goals, so much I wanted to do by the time I was 22, and it never happened. Instead, my life became more of a halt since 22.  You can call it tragedy, because that’s what it felt like.  Everything I worked so hard for, I lost it all.  I started all over, and lost that too.. and then again. Year after year it was unfortunate circumstances and obstacles beyond my control that went in the way to the point that now I feel I am left with not much but emptiness.  How does this come to be?  What did I do to deserve this?  It shouldn’t be a matter of blame game upon myself.

For some reason life has always felt like a struggle, since I could remember; even as an infant, I sensed struggle.  I cannot explain why as an infant I felt that, perhaps I just felt the burden of what was to come.

Many don’t understand, because they don’t know.   Judging is a common human characteristic.  I won’t get into the details, but I’m sure if you are well into adulthood, like me, or felt like you’ve already lived a thousand years wise, there was probably a point in your life where you felt incomplete, like there is this void.  That everything seems the same, no matter how much you seek and change.   If you haven’t, then you’re one of the lucky ones.

You may be thinking, “Well do something, change!”  Trust me, I’ve been there a kazillion times.  I’m not one who sits around waiting for things to happen.  I had done whatever I can to my ability with the given time.

There are situations in people’s lives that absolutely can be changed, but you have to understand and accept that there are also things that happen in our lives, that is beyond our control, thus we cannot control or change.

Yes, I do have a new job, a new apartment, and I am grateful, but that doesn’t change how I feel.  I “should” feel happy as defined by others, given certain circumstances, but that doesn’t replace or make up for empty.  I am on a mission, but I have a long way to go and I’m drained.  There’s so much to do, so little time, and everyday I am cranking away, using up every ounce of energy, to the point I become zombie-like, sort of like Shawn of the Dead– and then I crash until the next morning’s alarm sounds, where I start the day again.  Yes, I do have fun, force myself out of hermit mode, and interact with people in between, but even during such fun, I think about spending that time to continue my mission instead.  I have a mission when I go to work and I have a mission when I go home.  I just wish I didn’t feel this empty, wondering if I will ever reach my goals. I’ve been trying so hard for so long and things have been more challenging each year. I just don’t want to be stuck in this mode or feel this way forever.

I’m the average person.  Unknown to most of the world.  Quiet but loud in some ways, at least in karaoke and in my writing.  All my Pages I have created mostly and embarrassingly has less than 20 fans.  My lack of influence in social media on websites and personal causes, devastates me.  I wrote in another blog entry, “Do I Need to be Famous to Get Support?“, that if I was Lady Gaga, things would be different, and I would more likely be able to help change the world.  Unfortunately, I really don’t want fame, attention, or to be in the public eye.  I go to large events, and pretty much hide in the corner, trying to be unnoticed, and unsuccessful at that, because at least two strangers have told me that I stand out.  If I took advantage of such situation and chose the path of fame, it would be a sacrifice from me, for the greater good.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with seeking fame if you like, it’s just, I’d rather go matrix and save the world behind the scenes.

Anyways, I usually have a “moral of the story” to my more philosophical blog posts, but I don’t exactly have an answer that would apply to my own situations right now.  Maybe I’ll continue this in another post.

Yes, in some cases we can control how we handle uncontrollable circumstances.  But mind and emotion is a complex thing.  The one thing I try to stand by is to not give up.