In honor Vday next month, here’s another post on relationships. There are some really unbelievable (and sometimes scary) things that I come across when people try to “get to know” me or other people they seem interested in. From individuals that start asking not so appropriate questions, or individuals that sounded like they just got out of jail. I don’t know if they are fully aware of what they are doing, but I advice to do a self check with this list to see if you do any of this.
“The Criminal”
I recently was approached by a much older man at karaoke at a nice bar who didn’t believe I was really an adult and said that I must be 12. He brought me a rum & coke and kept begging several times, “Tell me your real age, I promise I won’t tell anyone.” He thought, me being a “little girl” that someone drove me and said “I can take you home or wherever you need to go. If you stay over my place, I promise I’ll be a good boy.” Before you know it he was going on about how he has been a good boy for the past 5 years because he basically hasn’t touched or laid a hand on anyone for that long. I wondered, Was he in jail for 5 years and just got out??? On top of that, he was wearing a bright color tshirt that you would think came from a correctional facility. I might give the chilling details in another blog post. I certainly did not drink the drink or take the ride offer.
“The Desperate and Lonely”
I wrote about Loneliness on another post. Loneliness can eat up an individual on the inside, and it’s human to feel loneliness sometimes. But making it apparent to a date interest that it is the reason they NEED someone, can pretty much scare someone off. I was approached by someone who claimed to have no friends and that no one liked him. He came off as clingy, constantly asking to do stuff with him because he has no friends who wants to do stuff with. Whether or not that is true, such statements puts the other person into a) feeling bad and pity for them, which may guilt them into spending time with them or b) translates as “No one likes this person, Why should I?” Either way it can backlash. That is the harsh reality. Do you want to appear as undesirable, that no one wants you? Do you want a pity date? Unfortunately, that is what happens sometimes. Think of it like a job. If a company you came to an interview said “Many people leave our company or don’t like us to work for us.” You would probably run for the door.
“The Touchy Feely”
This is pretty much self explanatory. Don’t violate people’s space bubble. Be considerate and don’t be rude. Chances are a stranger doesn’t want their space immediately violated or get physical before getting to know someone. I was approached randomly by quite a few people in who off the bat tried to grab my hand, and anything they can grab which made me feel very uncomfortable and violated. It doesn’t matter what setting, it’s never OK.
“The Do-Nothing”
I don’t know about others, but it kind of scares me when people, who do have a lot of spare time, tell me they don’t do much or anything in their spare time. There was a guy I hung out with who told me that he spends his spare time alone, “I just sit alone for hours and think to myself.” It’s understandable if people sometimes meditate or brainstorm on things to do, but if he really just sits alone and thinks to himself for hours it makes the other person wonder if this person has any hobbies, purpose or goals in life. It was also very difficult talking to this guy because he would sit there in silence and just think. It’s hard for anyone to connect without much conversation.
“The Irresponsible”
Believe it or not, there are people out there who really don’t care about having a good job (or any job), is failing school, doing drugs, have no life goals, and still live off their parents, yet are looking for relationships, expecting their love interest to stay with them. [Edit: I’m sorry to clarify living w/parents, I mean off of parents w/no intention of being independent]. In reality, if one doesn’t want responsibility at all for things in life, they are likely not going to be responsible in relationships, so they cannot expect a relationship to be successful.
Some of my friends have told me about such people who were interested in them, but my assumption would be that my friends, who are the responsible ones would end up having to pull the other person’s weight in finances and living situations, which becomes a burden. I’ve also heard stories 1st hand of spouses or significant others causing the other partner to go down in financial ruins. Anyone who has a lot going on for them and well aware of this, will likely be running for the hills if someone approached them telling them their un-life-goal goals. If they want someone to want to date them, they likely will have to have something to show for them, something they can contribute to the relationship and give a reason why someone should date them, that they try take care of themselves.
“Married”
I’m talking about people who are still committed emotionally with their spouses, not those who are planning to split. The people who are planning to cheat. There had been at least one situation where a man, married with children and still committed to his wife, asking an friend to introduce me to him and to have my number. I was really appalled and shocked. a) That’s horrible, Why would he cause such despair to his wife and kids? The damage that it could do to the children. and b) what makes a person believe that someone who cheats on his wife, won’t cheat on them?
Sometimes people end up falling in love, and won’t run for the hills, and instead choose to be part of the affair, it happens. But chances are there are going to be obstacles. But generally it doesn’t sound good. “Hey, I’m married with children and my spouse doesn’t know.”
“Trying Too Hard”
I totally understand how people really want to connect and fit in. But it can be a little too much when someone is trying too hard to be liked and chances are people can see right through it. A lot of the time a person wants to impress their interest with amazing things so they try to relate everything with their personal experience, agree with everything or that they like all same things. When we see that there is no difference between ourselves and the other person trying to impress, we start to question, Do they actually like these things or agree to these things, or just saying so that I would like them more? Usually people want to be with someone special. Don’t try to be a clone and just go along with everyone. Have your own thoughts, voice, and opinions. It’s OK to be a little different and unique.
People also have asked me “Why do girls not like nice guys?” That’s not true. Girls like nice guys, but being too too nice in terms of trying too hard and being smothering, does scare people away too.
“The Awkward and Creepy”
Weird and awkward, is ok to many. Weird, awkward and creepy, is not OK. I’ve had plenty of strange questions asked by me off the bat before really getting to know someone. There were people who asked me my weight and pants size, someone who asked if my siblings spoon feed me food, and then the notorious intimate questions off the bat that just makes anyone uncomfortable. If you want to stop scaring off a potential date, don’t ask “weird questions”, at least off the bat. A stranger typically does not feel comfortable answering them and instead will label you as a “creeper.” That’s never a good sign.
So these are some situations that could scare a potential date or love interest. There are some really unbelievable (and sometimes scary) things that people do or say while trying to “get to know” someone. The “secret” is simple; be appropriate and respectful. If you notice a pattern of people running away, reevaluate and genuinely change something for the better. I hope this helps.
