Loneliness II

Loneliness is when you want to love someone but they refuse to love you back. Loneliness is thinking of others first, but chosen last, thought of last, or not being thought of at all.  Loneliness is losing important people permanently, who treated you well, and having to say your last goodbyes at their burial. Loneliness is being given insensitivities and make mockery of these situations by those who were supposed your closest.  Loneliness is trusting so many, but having that trust broken.  Loneliness is longing for acceptance from others, needing others to be there and their support, but instead avoided.  Loneliness is realizing after all this, and the feeling of isolation, neglect, and abandonment, that for once, for the first time, you’re not OK with being alone in your apartment.

I have to override some things I said, in my first “Loneliness” post, about not really experiencing loneliness anymore. The older post is still relevant to that time, but this one is a new update. A lot has happened recently, that first time in a long time, I’ve experienced again what loneliness is. But again, not to confuse loneliness with feeling alone.

I have to admit, I have never felt this lonely before in my life. I’ve felt alone, where I was misunderstood, misinterpreted or the odd one out, but didn’t feel lonely.  But after series of events that this has brought me to the feelings of loneliness. I’m not ready to describe to the world exactly what happened, as I am a very private person, but I think those who have experienced events like these, may have experienced some of the same feelings.

Series of recent events shattered my world to the pieces that were already shattered from series of events that happened throughout my life. I’ve been trying to seek the same feeling of feeling whole again, but there is still a great big hole in my heart.  The people gone permanently by life’s events or by choice, cannot be replaced by others that I befriend, nor would I want to replace them.

For those who may not understand, refuse to try, or are having challenges trying to understand/cope another beloved who is going through tough times, there is so much that can be done.

First of all, do not compare who has it worse. Even if you yourself are going through a lot, everyone else having challenges in their life, are pains of their own that they face.. No one has the right to judge. Yes, maybe someone out there has it worse, but all those who are suffering, are suffering and need to heal too.

When I went through a crises of my own, the first and last conversation I ever had with a close friend when I first mentioned it in merely a few sentences about a situation that I was scared of, was her lecture to me was about 3rd world starving children who has it worse.  She then jetted off and said “Well I have to study.”  After that, I tried reaching her, but she would not return phone calls, or electronic communication. I felt abandoned, even more so, as that was the first time ever opening up to her in the years I knew her.   I was there for all her ex-boyfriend problems, and not once ever judged her, or say that my problems were worse, even when society would rate so..

Another is be compassionate and do not judge. I am pretty shocked and disheartened by the amount of not so warming, rather insensitive remarks and reactions to loved ones in crises. The prior I just mentioned is one of them.  One of the worst feelings being in a terrible crises and on top of that receive pretty cold remarks and judgement.. One of the most common judgements or criticisms I’ve experienced was people assuming I’m either faking, overreacting, exaggerating my feelings towards a situation. For those who really know me as genuine and caring, I don’t fully understand why others would think I am pretending. A possible reason, people’s perception is that my life is perfect, so they view me and problems as not credible.

When I was in college, I had become close to a friend, like a sister to me, but when she confided in me, instead of taking my own stories as something she can relate to, (so that she wouldn’t feel so alone), her reaction instead was competitive, making a point that she had it worse.  I usually kept really deep personal stuff to myself, even to my best friend I knew for years.  One day when I was going through tough times, I finally opened up to this friend to let her know of my unusual behavior.  Instead of being supportive, her reaction was, “Stop lying to me!  You have such a perfect life, family and friends that love you, you’re dolling well academically..  How can you possibly have any real problems?  You know what? You’re not getting anymore pity from me anymore. ”  My world pretty much flipped upside-down at that point.  On top of that, when she finally came to a realization how serious I was, she told mutual friends, along with spreading not so nice false things about me.  Words cannot describe how broken I felt.

If you say you’re there for someone, really mean it. When one feels so alone, it gives hope to hear that someone who truly cares for you is there for you. When they say they’ll be there, but then bail on set plans, it add to the hurt and pain that is already experienced. When one feels alone, they can feel more isolated and abandoned when this happens. Being treated this way, with someone who does not keep their word, does not give the suffering, hope, encouragement, and feeling of trusting someone or acceptance.

Anyways, these are some things to do, if your family or friend is experiencing such pain or loneliness. The best thing you can do is be there for them, even if you’re not physically there. Just a line can make a world difference, or a “How are you?”  If you yourself is feeling this deep loneliness, surround yourself with those who are doing the above, and avoid being exposed to more hurt and pain.  Reading my older post on loneliness is still a good read that can be helpful and full of tips.

Loneliness is when you want to love someone but they refuse to love you back. Loneliness is not being thought of, while wondering if someone’s thinking of you. Loneliness is longing for acceptance, in the midst of rejection.  Loneliness is missing someone who is gone forever… Loneliness is seeking someone to trust again.

It’s ok to be a little emotionally dependent on someone who can handle it and not see you as a burden during these tough times.   It’s difficult to shake off loneliness, but surrounding yourself with compassion can help feel whole. Filling yourself up with the things you love to do.  As for me, sometimes I’m not sure how to feel better, but I’m trying.

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