Unintentional Relationship/Friendship Sabotage

One of the worse habits one can do is unintentionally sabotaging a relationship or friendship before it really begins, and I am guilty of that.  After being hurt many times or even once, it is easy for one to fall into distrust, or be afraid to get hurt again.. so we sometimes do or say things that do more harm than good, thus driving or warding people off before giving them a chance.

I have a bad habit of subconsciously trying to ward people off, especially with those interested in me who try to get close to me. I have a space bubble as big as bubble boy.  Often I will say the most repulsive things, naturally, which oddly usually does not ward people off, because somehow it comes off as cute.  Or when it does.. I probably weirded them out to the point they question my sanity.  For example, the other week, I blurted out. “Man, I am sweating a lot, and I reek funk!”  Maybe part of it was to be funny too, even though I know it can totally ward people off; but it was a habit defense mechanism.  But even when people do get a chance to be close to me in conversation, sometimes in the midst of fear, I become very serious and seem to doubt everything, maybe distrust them without realizing it.

Lately, due to some serious losses in 2012, I have been afraid of losing people, so I may contact them a many times or want to hang out with them very frequent. In the back of my mind, I think.. What if there is no tomorrow or I don’t see them tomorrow?  So then I want to spend all my time with them, just in case I don’t see them tomorrow.  I mean.. I didn’t realize when it was the last time I would see other friends.. and it was too sudden.  I also have been having trouble staying put with myself or in my apartment more than several hours, and so I want to contact someone whether in person or virtually, just for basic human interaction.. Just knowing someone is there, especially there for me, is comforting.

Also during “defense mechanism” mode, I will think too much, and then tell people of my zillion concerns, which can be overwhelming to someone who hardly knows me.. and worst, can offend someone who feels like they are indirectly being accused of being likely to do the same hurtful acts.

All these can totally sabotage a relationship or friendship.  Being repulsive, obviously can repel others.  As for constant contact… it can comes off to certain people as “dependent,” “needy,” “attached,” “desperate,” or possibly a nuisance if the person being contacted, needs a lot of space.  I know what it’s like to be strongly independent, being comfortable with myself and needing my own space much of the time.  I don’t have all the time in the world either. I’m OK with people confiding to me for hours when they are under crises.. In fact, I have dropped everything several times, just to be there for friends.  But for most people,  unfortunately, they are not OK or comfortable with that.  Behaving this way to someone, especially with those who are not a close friend, can certainly scare some people and drive them away.  I “fell down” a few times, and felt the “need” to be around people all the time, though no one can be there all the time.

So how can one find a balance among fear with the desire to spend time with others like there’s no tomorrow, and trust without warding people off with repulsiveness or distrust?  Trust itself, comes with forcing oneself to believe, responsibility. Actions speak louder than words, so if there isn’t a reason in action to not trust, and remembering the things said and done.. may remind us of why we trust others in the first place.

Spending time with others who don’t mind spending time with you is important too.  Some people are willing to spend as much time as you need during tough times.  If so, this will less likely “sabotage” anything.   It feels worse when people don’t seem eager to spend time with you;  these people may not really be worth your time and they may avoid making plans due to various reasons, which then furthers distrust and fears. I am a hypocrite, because I’m the one taking much initiatives to spend time with people, even when they don’t seem too eager to, or change plans on me.  You probably don’t want to be in a position of wonder doubting your significance to them; it is one of the worst feelings.  If they were that eager to hang out, they’d make plans as well without the wishy washy.  But I understand not everyone can, with busy lives, money, etc. You only live once (unless you believe in afterlife), so I try to spend my limited time with closest people.  Sometimes I may want an escape, to hang with random people in between I can experience life with. Being with people who lift you up (not bring you down), will give you a reason to be closer to them and break down that space bubble.  You also need to continue to rely on yourself, and find a way to and only surround yourself around people who are OK with it; those are usually your really close true friends to keep for a lifetime.

Also just because you don’t hear from someone all the time, doesn’t mean that you lost them, warded them off.  Remember to give people a chance and not be too quick to distrust what they mean to you or what you mean to them.  I am at fault, many times, but need to remember, that just because something happened before with someone else, does not mean it will happen to again with this person.

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