One of the hardest things in life to experience is the feeling of being unwanted or not welcomed by the presence of others.  It can happen in the midst of making friends, building relationships (or being in one), and finding acceptance. It can happen out of emotions like prejudice, competition, jealousy, or simply being under appreciated, or recognized. Generally, no one likes the feeling of being unwanted. But unfortunately in the past year I have more than ever experienced the situation of being unwanted and unwelcome by others, and it has been pretty painful and difficult to cope with.

Prejudice…

My very first experience or memory of being unwanted and unwelcome was actually at the age of 4, my first day of kindergarten.  I was the only Asian minority in class, so kids stared at me in shock or wonder, like one would stare at an alien from another planet.  Some were curious, but others immediately felt threatened or feared me, and made a point that they did not want me to be there.  For those who felt threatened or afraid, some threw insults, dragged their chair far away from me, (making a point that they didn’t want to sit next to me), or chant “CHING CHONG! CHING CHONG!”

I was too young to understand what racism and prejudice meant at the time, but I immediately developed prejudice right back at them.  I did not trust non-Asians.  For those who know me as the quiet kid, you’ll be surprised that I retaliated by acting up, and screaming at them things like,  “SHUT UP! … STOP STARING AT ME!  .. I HATE YOU!”

Luckily, I wasn’t scarred for life and grew out of misbehavior within a few weeks and became friends with as many as possible, including those who initially didn’t want to be friends with me. Fear became genuine curiosities.  I was also welcomed by the kindness of others who was nice to me despite my behavior, and then learned from them.  I am friends with my former kindergarten classmates, till this day.

The reality is more extreme cases of this prejudice exists into adulthood that also leads to violence and hate crimes.  I know I experienced prejudice throughout my entire life.  We can only hope that there would be more tolerance or respect of our differences in this world.

Competition…

Not too long ago, I ran into a situation in my career where the CEO of a web marketing company, who was supposed to work with me on projects for another company that hired me to, but instead from day one did not want me around and made it a mission to get rid of me.  I felt very unwelcome. I think he was afraid I was going to take over everything the company does.

Before even meeting me or knowing who I was, he made constant efforts to verbally degrade and insult me in phone conferences to the company that hired me.  He would say things like “This Instead of working with me, he made an effort to work against me.  He was fiercely and unethically competitive, spending most of his time finding ways to pick on me, to insult my skills/knowledge, instead of getting work done. It was months they didn’t get things done, and I’d complete it and put it up in record 2 hours on my 1st day.

But as strong as I was, I think every human being has a threshold of abuse they can intake.   Eventually, after long exposure of him talking down to me, he successfully got the best of me.  I pretty much broke down at the end of the day, almost everyday and lost faith in humanity.  I was a total wreck, and became a person that I didn’t want to be. I felt ashamed and also started to doubt myself, becoming completely hopeless.

Since then, I have recovered significantly.  But I am still agonizingly saddened by the masses of cruel competitors out there, that feel they must “win,” or be the best of the best, by trampling and hurting others.   I am not sure how they sleep well at night.  This happens outside of the work force as well. Organizations and other social interactions. Comparing ourselves to others.  We are taught to compete growing up and it carries onto adulthood.  Some competition is a positive thing that makes us work harder. Others go too far like this.

Jealousy…

It can be very difficult having friends who are the opposite sex or gender.  My friends of the same sex, says it is a gift, but sometimes it feels like a curse. Many seem to naturally assume that every person I’m with, I must be either dating, or that the other person has a romantic interest of me and that I must clueless. Other times it creates suspicion and jealousy against me, which are one of my biggest pet peeves. Sadly, I have to keep a safe distance to those who are in relationship or if someone else around is crushing on them, just because we’re a different gender and I don’t want to accidentally upset someone or make others feel awkward. It shouldn’t be that way and relationships should be built with trust.

There is this myth that exists in society that a guy and a girl can’t be friends, but the truth is, in my case, 98% of the time there are no feelings beyond friendship, and that remaining 2%, is the few times I crushed on anyone or am probabley clueless of any romantic interest towards me.  I’ve had people say more than once, (even strangers), that all the people I’m hanging out are interested in me, but that is simply not true.

The jealousy thing is sad, uncomfortable and awkward, when people get really upset.  The feeling of being unwanted or unwelcome because of it is as horrible as any other reasons.  I don’t like the idea of being “the threat,” being harshly judged upon my presence– it hurts. Sometimes I’m not able to be myself around my own friends, just because I am biologically different in gender. I wouldn’t be treated this way if I were a guy..

Under Appreciated

There are several reasons to feeling under appreciated, unwanted or undesired, which ties all 3 topics above.  Having that prejudice against us makes us feel unworthy, less attractive, undesired, and unwanted.,  Sometimes those you try so hard to impress, obtain approval or acceptance, but end up comparing or being compared to your “competition.” Our significance and self worth dwindles after such exposure.

Jealousy towards others is another thing. There are several reasons why one would feel jealous, rational or not. Insecurity, or desiring what someone else has that they don’t have.  Sometimes it is a characteristic, material goods, or attention from a romantic interest.  I used to experience raging jealousy as a kid wishing I had the characteristics of others around me that I was constantly compared to.  People always asked me, “Why can’t you be more like her?”  I had very low self esteem and honestly didn’t like myself much.  I think it would have helped a lot if people encouraged me and pointed out the qualities that they liked.  Otherwise, I didn’t see it, and to this day, sometimes I catch myself putting myself down, including the whole prejudice thing when assumptions are made of my ethnicity. Luckily at one point in my life, I eliminated that jealousy out of my life, and started to accept who I was instead.

If not jealousy within ourselves, we can also experience unwanted jealousy towards us, which makes us feel pretty awful and guilty, as if we should feel bad for being ourselves when we shouldn’t.  We all have our reasons for being ourselves.  When there is that tension towards us, when our presences is posed as a threat, we do not feel welcomed at all.  It’s a similar feeling you get like when you’re in school and “cool kids” whisper and stare back at you, making it obvious that they are judging or don’t want you around.  It makes us feel despised, and that’s not a good feeling.

I am a hypocrite in all this and I don’t deny it. I do not want to be around or exposed to those who have something “against me” because it makes me feel awful, awkward and very horrible. So there are cases where I feel I don’t want someone around or avoid them when respect isn’t returned, rather than to be exposed to their negative energy. No one should have to tolerate any sort of maltreatment or abuse.

It would be nice to live in the world where everyone was accepted, wanted, and welcomed, but we have a long way to go.  Whether it’s making friends, building relationships, or finding acceptance, if we have an open mind and set aside the prejudice, competition, jealousy and acknowledge our appreciation for others, no one would have to feel this much pain; they would feel welcomed and wanted, and the world would certainly be a better place.