This question came up the other week when I was feeling bummed out, in the midst of requesting support for different causes, and only 11 ‘Likes’ Facebook page, that I created over a year ago for an important cause after suggesting to 100+ people (not $ donations). At that point, I felt like I lacked influence on making this world a better place, so then I lost hope and a sense of purpose in life. It’s hard not to compare; I see at other public figures’ Facebook pages with thousands of ‘Likes’ and votes to support their contests/causes, and think to myself, if I was Lady Gaga, I could probably receive thousands of votes for any causes I ask for support. I long for that influence.
Going back, I have memories as far back to about as 1 and a half years old. I remember being too young to understand what life was for, the way society worked with education and career. I just thought school was a place that kids go to take tests, (ethnic looking kids were placed in ESL on the 1st day of kindergarten, taken out from regular classes, minimum 6 years). Life was a long challenging journey since then, and I grew up wanting to be society’s definition of “successful.” I wanted to make a huge difference. I expressed many “causes” I felt strongly for, through writing essays & for a school literary & newspaper. In between, I was lost with a build up of lifetime set-backs, but came to a point in my life later in my adulthood, where I had a strong feeling that I was going to change lives for the better; that I’m supposed to be alive for a long time to do that.
However, it has been hard to see what impact, if any, that I have made. Not to be melodramatic, but I spent the last couple weeks wondering where I stand in the world and I wondered if my involvement with “causes” was healthy for me or anyone. Unhealthy, because in my mind I questioned everything and everyone. Haunting memories had flood my mind and I’m overwhelmed with “not enough change” around me, and on top of that wondered why it seemed that my words didn’t make a difference. It was the reason why I gave up and tried to run away. I also questioned myself as a person thinking maybe I have done something wrong that made my messages seem unimportant. Then I think about all the well known people who have thousands of supporters and thought maybe I haven’t made a name for myself.. and that’s why. People tend to support causes from important people.
But is that the only way anyone can really gain support for causes to go far? Is that the only way I can make a difference? I’d be even more bummed if that was the case. I’m not a public figure, I just like hanging out in public places. 😛 I never sought fame, wouldn’t be able to handle such attention, and often prefer to blend in unnoticed. Ironically enough, several people have told me it’s hard not to notice me. I thought about using that as an advantage. Deep down, I don’t want “I’m famous” votes nor do I want to tell a sad story about myself and gain “pity” votes, (not that others who tell sad stories are, but there’s always that risk of being pitied). A friend did tell me it’s OK to get support, form a “sad story.” The question another friend asked kept echoing in my mind. “So, when are you going to start a band?” I’m pretty happy with just sticking to karaoke but the other weekend I was close to considering it, believing the only way to make a difference in the world is to become “famous” in public eye. It would be a great sacrifice to me but for something greater than myself.
However, recently I realized that maybe going this extreme is not necessary. The other day, I went to see a really popular band play. A member I was talking to supported the ideas I mentioned and I how much I have done for other bands. I had not realize they have felt this way. Another member looked at me in awe like I was someone great, complimenting my photography, and emphasized his trust that I capture them at their best light. A member from a different band, said I was a genuine person and that he would never forget that. I was completely blown away that night and felt very honored that little me had made a big difference in their lives, especially when I & others are always in awe at their shows. To me that’s like Incubus, or whoever you admire, giving you a high five and telling you that you’re awesome.
I might still consider the famous factor though because yes, it will help get additional support. I think that’s my next research: influence and how to gain support. The compliments given to me did give me some hope in not having to be famous. I couldn’t stop smiling after that. I just need to remember that feeling when I’m feeling a bit discouraged.
